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When coming out of the ocean wearing a shorty wetsuit borrowed from a friend, and feeling cool like James Bond because everyone is watching you, remember that that huge water filled bulge at your groin is actually where your ass is supposed to go when you've got the suit on the right way round!

Gentlemen; When sending a text to your girlfriend which explicitly details what you want to do to her sexually, make sure it is sent to your girlfriend and not to your male best friend. Things will get more awkward when he discovers the photo attachment.

When waiting outside the cinema for a movie with your friend whose name is Dick and he does something silly, don't exclaim "You suck, Dick!". The mother of the small children overhearing your conversation will not be pleased.

No matter how drunk you are, yellow snow is never lemon-flavoured.

Correct: Dad, I picked up logs on my way back from meeting with a guy. Incorrect: Dad, I got wood after seeing that guy!

When you go to do laundry, make sure you actually start the machine before walking away and getting comfortable on the couch.

Don't slap your best friend upside her head. She will NOT know it was you, and will grab your arm in her fist. She will also use her fingernails. Your arm will burn. For the next week. #LFMF

Moms and dads: You know your son's daily schedule. Yes, dad has been away for a week, but having a quickie in the room next to his while he is trying to do a research paper is annoying as hell, and frankly, gross. Do it at night, please. #LFMparent'sF

Save cutting through the grassy quad for your daylight treks across campus. If you do it at night, on your way to a important reception, you'll likely discover a nice big muddy patch by stepping firmly into its squishy goodness. Nothing like a splatter of mud up to the knees of your fancy pants to make a stellar impression at the big event

When you try to get rid of that chocolate stain on your white shirt by scratching with your fingernails, make sure your fingers are not still covered with chocolate. The stain will quadruple in size.