When a fighter jet flies by and your worried girlfriend asks you if it's from the US, it's not funny to say "The Japanese are attacking!" Yes, you are in Hawaii, but she was at Ground Zero on 9/11/01. Bonus: Her Grandfather was a WW2 Marine. #LFMF

A drop of superglue on a papercut on your finger is a good idea. A drop of superglue on any other injury is not.

If you must stand by your window at night to use your remote car starter, remember that people outside can see in when your naked body is illuminated by a lamp right by the window. You may never know if your landlady got a show when she went to plug in her car.

When you're tired, JUST GO TO BED. Reading pages and pages of LFMF may seem fun, but taking care of a toddler on three hours of sleep is NOT worth it. #LFMF

When you are so unappealing that you get turned down by a woman who is distraught because no one wants to date her (which I found out, after the fact, is because she has an STD). Though I may have dodged a bullet, still you can LFM Life as a Failure.

When taking your puppy to the vet, do not leave him in the unlocked car with the keys inside while you stop for gas. He will lock you out, you will walk home for your spare key that you don't have, and you will have to call to police to come help you get back in your car. #LFMF

That police helicopter circling your apartment complex tonight? They are looking for a serial killer. Don't go out outside to watch.

You have plently of candy canes left over for christmas. You're bored with your regular soda flavour. Minty cola sounds refreshing. #LFMF

When, while searching for a utensil in the kitchen drawers, you come upon a crazy straw, for the love of all that is good, LOOK before you decide to suck up that "bit of food" still inside it. You'll remember too late just how old that straw is. Mold is not something you want to have rocketing into your mouth.

When you drink 2 litres of RedBull, 3 boxes of mint TicTacs,1 and 1/2 Monsters and and Monster and Coke mixer, you will flip when someone says "dude, you might die"

Never lick the salt off the multitude of shells from the pistachios you have just eaten. You will beg for death within the hour.

Pay attention to the signs on paper towel dispensers in public bathrooms. You'll find out that it isn't automatic AFTER you wave your hand in front of it for about 30 seconds in front of a crowd of people behind you.

In modern usage, "girlfriend" does not just mean "female friend." Don't ask your teenage daughter about her girlfriend, or she'll assume you mean it romantically and that there's no reason to come out to you. It will be awkward when you finally find out she's bi. LFMyMom'sFail